Ode to a Minivan

I think that the minivan is perhaps the most underrated car on the road. I'm not going to try to pretend here that I haven't had my share of anti-minivan sentiment. In fact, it's hard to deny that the minivan is one of least cool cars on the road. But why is that? What about the minivan suggests that it is just completely uncool? When I was about 8 or 9, my family got our first minivan. At that time, it was nothing but pure sweetness. Of course, considering the fact that the car it replaced was a nasty old station wagon referred to as "the pig", with splitting leather (or should I say vinal?) seats, melted crayon all over the carpet in the back and a car-sick smell the moment you opened the door, it's not surprising that a new, luxurious Dodge Caravan seemed like a major step forward. I'm pretty sure that it made my mom very happy.

By the time I got to high school, however, the comparison to the old car had faded, and our family minivan seemed a might embarassing to drive around in. Although, it did come in handy when you wanted to fit three couples in the same car for a date dance. But really, it seemed to me that if you were going to have a large car, shouldn't it just be an SUV? Even now, though this entry is dedicated to giving the minivan its rightful praise, I will admit that I'd much rather be an SUV-mom than a minivan-mom.

Having said that, let me now explain the recent events that have spurred me to rethink my past feelings about minivans. I have mentioned a few times now that I have been wanting some new couches. Well, I finally bought some. It's a sweet (though previously owned) red suede sectional with a big overstuffed ottoman. It brings me inexpressable joy. Now the connection to the minivan: I fit the entire sectional, including ottoman, into the back of my brother's new Toyota Sienna (by the way, if you're interested in purchasing one of your own, go visit Dan Bradshaw at Brent Brown Toyota in Provo). I originally thought it would take us three separate trips to get the couch moved over, and then as we started packing it in there, we thought that it would be no more than two. In the end, thanks to the faith of my trusty helpers (I owe you guys!), we were able to arrange each piece in such a way as to fit the entire sectional in one trip. And for that, I offer the following 3-verse Haiku (which will not separate the stanza no matter how many times I fix the spacing and press publish--frustration!):

Ode to a Minivan

You may not be cool,

but vast interior space

makes up for a lot.

Automatic doors,

fold-down seats and DVD,

Rear control A/C,

Plenty of seating,

Just to name a few reasons

minivans are sweet.

Finis

Thoughts on minivans? What makes them cool? or not? Haikus get bonus points.

Reasons why "Modest is Hottest"

It has recently been brought to my attention that people wear really unattractive clothing. I am not going to go into what is or isn't acceptable as far as fashion is concerned, although I look at girls my age who are wearing plaid pleated skirts with matching plaid sweater vests and wonder where on earth they found them. Why are companies making such things? Or better yet, why would a shopper my age not notice that they are the only non-senior citizen in a store and get a clue that they might not be in the appropriate department? You see these people everywhere you go--the 27-year-old in high-waisted, tapered pants or baggy button-up blouses. You are not 73-years-old!

However, I am not here to pontificate on fashion do's and don'ts. Wearing an outfit two decades too late is harmless enough. It is violations such as the wearing of outfits two sizes too small that I would like to discuss. I know that as women, we like to be skinny. We have somehow accepted the idea that the skinnier we are, the more beautiful. I don't think it's even men trying to convince us of this. I think that we create and reinforce this fallacy amongst ourselves. Women are much harsher critics than men, for the most part. Regardless of how a pair of pants looks, many are convinced that a smaller size implies that you are more attractive. I would like to emphatically disagree! There is nothing attractive about a girl who has squeezed herself into a pair of size 4 jeans that are pushing belly fat up and over the waist, forcing love-handles to bulge in the back, and most likely revealing a plummer-bum whenever they are seated. I would like to plainly state that a smaller size does not mean more attractive. I, myself, recently had the painful experience of going to GAP and trying on my regular size only to find that there was some squeezing and bulging going on. It was difficult, but I asked my ever-so-helpful dressing room clerk to go find me a bigger size. It hurt. I'm not going to lie. But I'd rather look fabulous in 6's than overly-squeezed in 4's. I am here suggesting to the world that full (properly-fitting) coverage accentuates everyone's beauty. So here are my top ten reasons why I think that "modest is hottest."

10. Love-handles
You may have them, but if your shirt goes down long enough, nobody has to see them.

9. Comfort
Why pull and tug all day in complete discomfort? Find a longer skirt, higher shirt or whatever, and spend your day thinking about things other than what might happen to be showing.

8. Self-esteem
Do you really need that kind of attention to feel good about yourself? Wouldn't it feel better to get attention because of your sparkling personality? Yeah. I think so too.

7. Plumbers are great, but...
We don't want to see your bum.

6. Motion
It's really nice to have enough give in your pants that you can sit down without ripping them.

5. Shooting Beavers
I have no idea where this phrase comes from. My mom probably got it from her mom who grew up in Heber, Utah, but it refers to an unlady-like seated position. Not so much a problem if you are wearing pants. If you are wearing a mini-skirt, there could be trouble for anyone sitting across the way...

4. Thoughts
When I was in high school I wasn't allowed to wear skirts that didn't come down to my knee. My Dad's reasoning for this was always the same: "Boys will have thoughts." I was pretty ticked off about it in high school because I have really long femurs, and skirts never came all the way to my knees. Looking back, I think my Dad might have been right after all...

3. Focus
This goes back to not having to tug and pull all day. It is statistically proven that students do better when they are wearing modest clothing. Everyone focuses better when proper coverage has been achieved.

2. Hypothermia
Sometimes it's cold outside. Sometimes it's even cold inside. Sometimes my scantilly-clad students beg me to turn up the heat because it's freezing. I look at them wearing a mini-skirt and spaghetti-straps in January and leave the thermostat where it is... Actually, I usually turn up the heat (even though they don't deserve it) because I'm usually cold despite the sweater and 3 layers of shirts I have on.

1. Tornado Drills
You never know when you're going to be involved in a tornado drill. Oh those poor girls in their mini-skirts and thongs when they have to get down with their heads to the ground and bottoms in the air. Yikes!!

Do you think "modest is hottest?" What are your least favorite infractions? Fashion advice? Please share.

Reasons to be "negatively attracted"

Sometimes my roommates and I like to talk. I say sometimes because that's about how often more than two of us are there at the same time...and awake. But these nighttime chats are highly entertaining. I am reminded of one chat in particular where a new a brilliant phrase was coined: negatively attracted. This phrase may have originated in a discussion about dating (object of this repulsion will remain unnamed), but it didn't take us long to realize the utility of the phrase. There are all sorts of things to which you can be negatively attracted. To give you an idea, let me start with the top ten things to which I am negatively attracted.

10. Cooked Spinach
When I was younger, there were many vegetables which I couldn't tolerate. Now, in my advancing years, I find that I actually enjoy some of these previously loathed foods. Asparagas, once dreaded, is now a delight (thanks in part of FoodNetwork and Rachel Ray). Cooked spinach, however, I still cannot stand. It tastes like vomit to me. Sometimes I try it just to see if I still hate it, and I do.

9. Timpview High School Band
I play the flute, which means that in high school I joined the band. It seemed like the thing to do. I would like to mention right now that I was "in" the band, but not "of" the band. I think you'll all understand what I mean by that. My teacher drove me nuts. He'd always "paint us a picture" of why the band is the most important thing in the world. My answer to you, Mr. F., I am negatively attracted to you and your band.

8. Adkins Diet
When did carbs become the enemy? I remember when calories were the enemy. Then it was fat. Who knows what comes next. How so many people in this nation were convinced to eat nothing but meats, fats and dairies in order to lose weight is beyond me. Hey there captain sausage! Eat a vegetable. Sorry. I was just getting sick of seeing low-carb this and that. I mean, if you're eating at McDonald's, do you think it really matters if they leave off the bun?

7. Tapered Pants
Nobody looks good in tapered pants. All it does is make your bum look big.

6. My Trailer
So my classroom is a trailer, and it smells bad. I've got an air freshener, but it still just stinks whenever you walk in the door. Also it is about 15 feet wide and a bajillion feet long. I sometimes feel like I'm teaching in an airplane. Can't they just let me inside the building?

5. Casseroles
This entry is in honor of my roommate, the one who coined the very phrase that I am honoring here today. I actually like casseroles, but she is negatively attracted to them. In her words, "If it's in a 9 x 13 with cream of anything, it's disgusting." In my opinion, there are a lot of things that fit that description which are quite delicious, but it's really fun to say the word casserole around her and watch her fake vomit at the sound of the word.

4. Tom Cruise
I hope his career goes down in flames. I've never been the hugest fan, but I am convinced that he is crazy, and he's using his fame and fortune for evil. I think we should start an organization called "Free Katie Holmes" even though I don't really care much about her as an actress. I still don't think she should be inflicted to the madness of Tom Cruise. I'm glad Nicole got out.

3. Public Bathrooms
Yuck.

2. High-water pants
As a tall girl, I am particularly sensitive to this problem. I really don't understand why clothing companies didn't figure out sooner how many women out there are above 5'2". A 31" inseam is just not going to cut it. All through junior high, my pants were too short. This is not because I was growing or unaware of the problem. It is because I just couldn't find pants long enough. I'm sure you can imagine the kind of insecurity this caused. Glory be that the internet was invented (thanks Al Gore) with their extra-long pant selection. However, I am still slightly baffled about why companies like Gap make extra-long jeans but not extra-long cords or trousers. If tall people don't want their jeans to be floods, why would we want our dress pants to be?

1. My couches
I have been told that they really aren't that bad. I don't believe it! When I sit on the plaid one, I can smell it. That spells negative attraction in my world.

So what are you negatively attracted to? All those of you who are reading (and I know you're out there) and not commenting, now is the time! I know there are many things you are negatively attracted to, so please share!

Reasons why I will probably NOT drop out of my Master's program

As previously mentioned, I tend to have a midlife crisis biannually where I decide that my current life plan is clearly falling short and begin the search for a new life plan. I think I've finally decided to stop kicking against the pricks and accept the fact that I'm a teacher. I always wanted to be a teacher. I like teaching. I'm going to start channeling the energy that could be put into figuring out a new life plan into excelling in my current one. A fairly obvious decision, but groundbreaking nonetheless.

I recently started a Matser's program in History at GMU, and I have to be honest that I am completely not enjoyingng my class. At some points, I have actually begun to question the validity of History as a field of study (which is an entire entry of its own,--reasons why I don't believe in hisotry-- and will have to wait for another day). Put this together with my propensity for thinking up new life plans, and the decision was clear: I should drop out of this program. What would I ever do with a Master's degree in History anyway? So here are my top ten reasons why I think I will not drop out after all.

10. Nobody likes a quitter.
It would be pretty lame of me to give up after one bad class. And it is the methods class, which is notorious for being worthless, so depsite the fact that I don't like it, I am very optimistic that it will get better in the future.

9. The grass is always greener
One of the reasons that I decided to the degree part time is because I had way too much free time last semester. I just needed to be busier. So now that I've got lots to do, all I can think of is how nice it would be to have more free time. Oh, the home decor projects that I could accomplish! (Way too much HGTV lately...) If I dropped out, I'd probably remember that life is better when you're busy.

8. Grades
I hate to admit it, but I have always been far too motivated by grades. It's like that A on your transcript is really saying, "Bethany, you are a wonderful person. Go ahead. Have good self-esteem." It's kind of addicting. Just when I was at the peak of wanting to drop out, I got my first assignment back--with glowing comments from my professor, and I remembered how much I like the kind of positive reinforcement that getting good grades offers. It happened again after my midterm.

7. Avoidance = Productivity
It is amazing how much I have accomplished since I started this class. And I'm not talking about my homework, which is sitting tauntingly next to me, unfinished. It turns out that I don't really like reading books that are assigned to me. So I justify my procrastination by convincing myself that other projects are more important, or at least equally productive. My room is cleaner. My dishes are done. My laundry is folded and put away in a timely fashion. I've been jogging and eating healthily. These tasks would clearly be put off if I didn't have something even more dreaded to avoid.

6. Couches
I still want to buy some couches. And if I have a Master's degree, I will be better capable of purchasing such things.

5. Learning
I actually really like History (despite the fact that I don't always believe in it). It's fascinating to learn about how people lived and to imagine the world that they would have known. And there are so many connections between History and other fields. I like it. Also, the only other field that remotely interests me is MFT, but I don't know if I'd really like that as my profession or not. And it turns out you can totally "counsel" your friends without a lincense, so why get a whole degree?

4. Taxes
I got a big tax break this year due to the fact that I paid tuition. Wahoo!

3. Title
When I have a Master's degree, then I can ask people to please call me Master Bethany. Or maybe Master Durham. I haven't decided yet.

2. Better chances of getting on Oprah.
It's really hard to be a guest expert on Oprah if you don't have some type of advanced degree, and while a PhD would probably be best, a Master's degree gets me one step closer...

1. Now is the time!
As my mother has pointed out to me over the past 4-5 years, there will never be another time in life when it is this easy to do an advanced degree. Someday when I'm married and busy with family and the like, I might just look back and kick myself if I waste the time I have right now to do cool things. So, I think I'll stick it out.

So I need some motivation...have you ever thought about quitting, but didn't? How were you blessed for efforts?

Reasons Why Justice Has Prevailed Once Again

Sometimes I drive a little bit too fast. I try to watch it, but I have a pretty sweet car, and it has happened that I haven't noticed how fast I was going before it was too late. Fortunately for me, there have only been three occasions on which a friendly officer of the law actually noticed me going too fast.

I was 20 years old when I got my first ticket. I was driving up Provo Canyon to a ward party with my roommates. I was not thinking about driving. I was thinking about Jeff. I had liked him for over a year, and his roommates had been preparing me all week to ask him that night if there was ever a chance for us to date. They assured me that I would get a positive answer, but getting that ticket was a bad omen. And then Jeff flirted with my roommate all night, so I didn't talk to him after all. I also didn't pay the ticket--not on purpose. It's sometimes a bad idea to have all your mail go to your parents' house but live somewhere else because then when the police department sends you your ticket, you don't get it. In fact, when they send you a letter telling you there is a warrant out for your arrest due to not paying that speeding ticket, you don't even find out until 3 months later. I didn't have to wait 3 months to find out what was up with Jeff, though. He called me the next day and told me that we should date. So I was also 20 years old when I got my first kiss.

After my next ticket, which happened to be four and a half years later (driving home for lunch between shifts at the MTC), the policeman told me that since I had a clean driving record, I could go to traffic school, and it would be erased from my record. So I went to traffic school. I remember thinking that there was nothing that they could say to me at traffic school that would have a long-term impact on my lead foot, but I was wrong. After an hour of stories about people like me who had been driving just a bit too fast and then hit a small child, maiming or paralyzing him for life, I have changed my ways. Being a danger to myself, I can handle. I'm the one that has to live with it. But the thought of potentially hitting some innocent kid who was just running out into the street to get his four-square ball, and damaging his life forever has permanently slowed me down. For the most part.

My third ticket I received about two months ago. The story is uneventful. I had no idea that the road I was driving on was a 30 mph zone. With two lanes both directions, who would guess that? I can't really blame the cop. I was definitely speeding, but it was a transgression rather than a sin because I didn't knowingly violate this very important traffic law. So today, I had my very first experience in court. I pled "guilty with an explanation." I explained to the judge that having recently moved here from Utah and was unaware of the speed limit. The judge pondered a moment, and then said, "I'll take your word for it," and he lowered my fine. That is what our legal system is all about, and I'm proud to be a part of it.

So, tell me about your traffic violations... Have you gotten off? Does crying really work? Don't be shy...

Reasons why I love Target

Sometimes it makes me happy just to be at Target. Like today, for example. It's spring break, so I have time to finally do some of the errands that I've been putting off. One of these errands was to return a Beattles "Magical Mystery Tour" t-shirt to Target (that was the French pronunciation). Never fear, I did find a sweet Aerosmith t-shirt to exchange for it with the year 1978 on the back. That was the year I was born, and sometimes I like to pretend like I'm a hard core butt-rocker even though the truth is that besides 3 or 4 songs on Monster Ballads 2, I am completely unfamiliar with all things butt-rock. I missed getting on that bandwagon in junior high, and I fear it has passed me by.

But I digress...Target is a wonderful place. I had a friend who once said that Target is the "Nordstrom" of all Shopkos--a deep statement with which I heartily concur. At target, you can basically find everything you could ever want (except today when I wanted an ironing board to hang on my door--they were out) at a fantastic price, but the environment seems to be just a cut above other stores like Walmart or K-mart. Just the fact that there isn't a "mart" in the name makes you feel like you're getting higher quality products. So here are my top ten reasons why I love Target:

10. The Frame Aisle
I hardly ever take pictures, and I blink in most of them anyway, so it's not like I really need a bunch of frames, but I like to puruse the merchandise and imagine what it would be like if I had all sorts of money to throw away on things like frames.

9. Christmas Decorations
This year I was able to decorate my entire apartment (which clearly needs to be spiced up--we are living in an institution with all these bare white walls) for about $20. That included lights for the inside banisters, garland for the dining room balcony, festive bows, and designer wrapping paper and bows.

8. Nail Polish
Target is my favorite place to buy nail polish, mostly because I never really think about buying nail polish except when I happen to walk past the cosmetics section of Target. I don't seem to get sucked in by cosmetics at the grocery store, but there's just something about Target...

7. Bath Rugs
They have every color you could possibly imagine (except the color I most recently needed to buy--a lovely cranberry red to match my shower curtain--bought at Target. Don't worry, Sears had just the thing). I like to see the various matching garbage can/toothbrush holder sets. It must be my nesting instinct.

6. Kitchen Appliances
I almost bought a KitchenAid chopper today. It was only $39.99. I attribute this to the fact that I've been watching too much FoodNetwork, and they all have food processors. I reminded myself that I'm going to need something left for people to buy me when I get married, and I refrained.

5. Furniture
Target has the best Pottery Barn imitations on the market. I have my eye on a bookshelf...

4. Socks
I like to buy my socks at Target because they are cheap.

3. Secret Lights
When decorating your apartment with "secret lights" (thank you AG 6 and P12) it's important to be able to change them with the seasons, and target carries a great selection. I recently purchased some cool red icy lights to decorate our dining room balcony with. Unfortunately, when plugged in they give off an eerie red death-glow. Had I thought about that before-hand, I probably would have gotten the clear ones.

2. Paper Products
I'm a huge fan of Target's wrapping paper. They also have nice stationary and journals. In fact, one of my favorite quotes comes from the front of a Target journal: "Believe in your heart that something wonderful is about to happen."

1. T-Shirts
I love Target T-Shirts. They fit nicely--not too short. They don't shrink like you think they might, and they are usually $7.00. My favorite one from last year is Care-Bears, and it says "C'mon get happy!"

Target really is a little slice of heaven on earth. What are your thoughts? Do prefer Walmart or Target? How do you feel about using the French pronunciation? What have been some of your best buys? Please share!!

Reason why Merry Christmas and a "Fortunate" New Year is ruined

I had the opporunity this weekend to volunteer at the National Cherry Blossom Festival Parade. I played a pivotal role--I ate doughnuts; I got a free t-shirt; I showed girl scouts where to stand with their banners; I told young military cadets where to stand with their flags. I did this all in the pouring rain. It's questionable whether the parade would have been able to function without me...

You may or may not be aware of the fact that Pat Sajak was this year's Grand Marshall. He was in town looking for contestants to join him on Wheel of Fortune, which happens to be "America's Game." So why not have him lead America's Parade? It turned out that the important tasks which I mentioned above were all being performed right next to the official Wheel of Fortune Tour Bus, and despite the fact that I'm not necessarily a "Wheel Watcher", I was still kind of excited by the thought of seeing Pat Sajak in person. My excitement only grew when he got out of the Bus and into the little convertible in which he was to lead the parade. I can't explain why, but all morning I kept thinking, "I can't possibly be this close to Pat Sajak and not get my picture with him." Try as I may, I couldn't banish this though from my mind. I finally gave in, knowing full well that it was completely nerdy and ridiculous, but I ducked down next to him (the window was closed due to the intense rainfall) and took a picture. I was thrilled! I actually had my picture with the real Pat Sajak, and my photographer assured me that Pat was making the perfect cheesy game-show host smile.

Later that morning (once all girl scouts were in place), I decided to check out my newly treasured celebrity pic, and was horrified with what I found. In my moment of glory, my one chance to forever capture my close proximity with a game-show demigogue, I blinked!! How hard is it to keep your eyes open for such an important snap shot? It is tragic to be so close to greatness, and, so to speak, drop the ball. Sadly it's not the first time such a thing has happened.

For some reason, as I've been writing this tragic story of an almost glorious moment, I was reminded of another time in my youth when I "dropped the ball." My mom had been assigned to bring Sister Sarah's Salad to a ward barbeque, and she had entrusted me with the making of it. The lettuce was carefully washed and gently ripped into bite-sized pieces. The swiss cheese was cut and added with care. Frozen peas, mushrooms, bacon, green onions--everything was ready and waiting for it's finishing touch: the salad dressing. I was tripling the recipe (we had a very large ward), and the recipe called for 1/3 cup of miracle whip salad dressing and 1/3 cup mayo. Now here's where I dropped the ball: Instead of adding the tripled amount of 1 cup, I added 3 cups of each. Looking back, it did seem a little odd, but I questioned the recipe rather than my computation skills. I was always a rather confident child. We had to add 3 heads of lettuce and put the whole thing in a strainer to make up for my little mistake.

But I digress...I'm still seriously disappointed by the fact that I blinked! It could have been such a sweet picture. I was thinking of making it this year's Christmas card (I'm also thinking of having a Christmas card this year). It could have said, "Have a Merry Christmas and a 'Fortunate' New Year." Nothing says Happy Holidays like me with Pat Sajak, and now it' has been completely ruined. Anyway, have any of you ever "dropped the ball?" What were the repercussions? (I hope nothing so serious as a ruined ward salad or potential holiday card). Please share some of your almost glorious moments. (If you don't have an account, you may leave comments as "anonymous".)