Ode to a Minivan

I think that the minivan is perhaps the most underrated car on the road. I'm not going to try to pretend here that I haven't had my share of anti-minivan sentiment. In fact, it's hard to deny that the minivan is one of least cool cars on the road. But why is that? What about the minivan suggests that it is just completely uncool? When I was about 8 or 9, my family got our first minivan. At that time, it was nothing but pure sweetness. Of course, considering the fact that the car it replaced was a nasty old station wagon referred to as "the pig", with splitting leather (or should I say vinal?) seats, melted crayon all over the carpet in the back and a car-sick smell the moment you opened the door, it's not surprising that a new, luxurious Dodge Caravan seemed like a major step forward. I'm pretty sure that it made my mom very happy.

By the time I got to high school, however, the comparison to the old car had faded, and our family minivan seemed a might embarassing to drive around in. Although, it did come in handy when you wanted to fit three couples in the same car for a date dance. But really, it seemed to me that if you were going to have a large car, shouldn't it just be an SUV? Even now, though this entry is dedicated to giving the minivan its rightful praise, I will admit that I'd much rather be an SUV-mom than a minivan-mom.

Having said that, let me now explain the recent events that have spurred me to rethink my past feelings about minivans. I have mentioned a few times now that I have been wanting some new couches. Well, I finally bought some. It's a sweet (though previously owned) red suede sectional with a big overstuffed ottoman. It brings me inexpressable joy. Now the connection to the minivan: I fit the entire sectional, including ottoman, into the back of my brother's new Toyota Sienna (by the way, if you're interested in purchasing one of your own, go visit Dan Bradshaw at Brent Brown Toyota in Provo). I originally thought it would take us three separate trips to get the couch moved over, and then as we started packing it in there, we thought that it would be no more than two. In the end, thanks to the faith of my trusty helpers (I owe you guys!), we were able to arrange each piece in such a way as to fit the entire sectional in one trip. And for that, I offer the following 3-verse Haiku (which will not separate the stanza no matter how many times I fix the spacing and press publish--frustration!):

Ode to a Minivan

You may not be cool,

but vast interior space

makes up for a lot.

Automatic doors,

fold-down seats and DVD,

Rear control A/C,

Plenty of seating,

Just to name a few reasons

minivans are sweet.

Finis

Thoughts on minivans? What makes them cool? or not? Haikus get bonus points.

Reasons why "Modest is Hottest"

It has recently been brought to my attention that people wear really unattractive clothing. I am not going to go into what is or isn't acceptable as far as fashion is concerned, although I look at girls my age who are wearing plaid pleated skirts with matching plaid sweater vests and wonder where on earth they found them. Why are companies making such things? Or better yet, why would a shopper my age not notice that they are the only non-senior citizen in a store and get a clue that they might not be in the appropriate department? You see these people everywhere you go--the 27-year-old in high-waisted, tapered pants or baggy button-up blouses. You are not 73-years-old!

However, I am not here to pontificate on fashion do's and don'ts. Wearing an outfit two decades too late is harmless enough. It is violations such as the wearing of outfits two sizes too small that I would like to discuss. I know that as women, we like to be skinny. We have somehow accepted the idea that the skinnier we are, the more beautiful. I don't think it's even men trying to convince us of this. I think that we create and reinforce this fallacy amongst ourselves. Women are much harsher critics than men, for the most part. Regardless of how a pair of pants looks, many are convinced that a smaller size implies that you are more attractive. I would like to emphatically disagree! There is nothing attractive about a girl who has squeezed herself into a pair of size 4 jeans that are pushing belly fat up and over the waist, forcing love-handles to bulge in the back, and most likely revealing a plummer-bum whenever they are seated. I would like to plainly state that a smaller size does not mean more attractive. I, myself, recently had the painful experience of going to GAP and trying on my regular size only to find that there was some squeezing and bulging going on. It was difficult, but I asked my ever-so-helpful dressing room clerk to go find me a bigger size. It hurt. I'm not going to lie. But I'd rather look fabulous in 6's than overly-squeezed in 4's. I am here suggesting to the world that full (properly-fitting) coverage accentuates everyone's beauty. So here are my top ten reasons why I think that "modest is hottest."

10. Love-handles
You may have them, but if your shirt goes down long enough, nobody has to see them.

9. Comfort
Why pull and tug all day in complete discomfort? Find a longer skirt, higher shirt or whatever, and spend your day thinking about things other than what might happen to be showing.

8. Self-esteem
Do you really need that kind of attention to feel good about yourself? Wouldn't it feel better to get attention because of your sparkling personality? Yeah. I think so too.

7. Plumbers are great, but...
We don't want to see your bum.

6. Motion
It's really nice to have enough give in your pants that you can sit down without ripping them.

5. Shooting Beavers
I have no idea where this phrase comes from. My mom probably got it from her mom who grew up in Heber, Utah, but it refers to an unlady-like seated position. Not so much a problem if you are wearing pants. If you are wearing a mini-skirt, there could be trouble for anyone sitting across the way...

4. Thoughts
When I was in high school I wasn't allowed to wear skirts that didn't come down to my knee. My Dad's reasoning for this was always the same: "Boys will have thoughts." I was pretty ticked off about it in high school because I have really long femurs, and skirts never came all the way to my knees. Looking back, I think my Dad might have been right after all...

3. Focus
This goes back to not having to tug and pull all day. It is statistically proven that students do better when they are wearing modest clothing. Everyone focuses better when proper coverage has been achieved.

2. Hypothermia
Sometimes it's cold outside. Sometimes it's even cold inside. Sometimes my scantilly-clad students beg me to turn up the heat because it's freezing. I look at them wearing a mini-skirt and spaghetti-straps in January and leave the thermostat where it is... Actually, I usually turn up the heat (even though they don't deserve it) because I'm usually cold despite the sweater and 3 layers of shirts I have on.

1. Tornado Drills
You never know when you're going to be involved in a tornado drill. Oh those poor girls in their mini-skirts and thongs when they have to get down with their heads to the ground and bottoms in the air. Yikes!!

Do you think "modest is hottest?" What are your least favorite infractions? Fashion advice? Please share.