Reasons to be "negatively attracted"

Sometimes my roommates and I like to talk. I say sometimes because that's about how often more than two of us are there at the same time...and awake. But these nighttime chats are highly entertaining. I am reminded of one chat in particular where a new a brilliant phrase was coined: negatively attracted. This phrase may have originated in a discussion about dating (object of this repulsion will remain unnamed), but it didn't take us long to realize the utility of the phrase. There are all sorts of things to which you can be negatively attracted. To give you an idea, let me start with the top ten things to which I am negatively attracted.

10. Cooked Spinach
When I was younger, there were many vegetables which I couldn't tolerate. Now, in my advancing years, I find that I actually enjoy some of these previously loathed foods. Asparagas, once dreaded, is now a delight (thanks in part of FoodNetwork and Rachel Ray). Cooked spinach, however, I still cannot stand. It tastes like vomit to me. Sometimes I try it just to see if I still hate it, and I do.

9. Timpview High School Band
I play the flute, which means that in high school I joined the band. It seemed like the thing to do. I would like to mention right now that I was "in" the band, but not "of" the band. I think you'll all understand what I mean by that. My teacher drove me nuts. He'd always "paint us a picture" of why the band is the most important thing in the world. My answer to you, Mr. F., I am negatively attracted to you and your band.

8. Adkins Diet
When did carbs become the enemy? I remember when calories were the enemy. Then it was fat. Who knows what comes next. How so many people in this nation were convinced to eat nothing but meats, fats and dairies in order to lose weight is beyond me. Hey there captain sausage! Eat a vegetable. Sorry. I was just getting sick of seeing low-carb this and that. I mean, if you're eating at McDonald's, do you think it really matters if they leave off the bun?

7. Tapered Pants
Nobody looks good in tapered pants. All it does is make your bum look big.

6. My Trailer
So my classroom is a trailer, and it smells bad. I've got an air freshener, but it still just stinks whenever you walk in the door. Also it is about 15 feet wide and a bajillion feet long. I sometimes feel like I'm teaching in an airplane. Can't they just let me inside the building?

5. Casseroles
This entry is in honor of my roommate, the one who coined the very phrase that I am honoring here today. I actually like casseroles, but she is negatively attracted to them. In her words, "If it's in a 9 x 13 with cream of anything, it's disgusting." In my opinion, there are a lot of things that fit that description which are quite delicious, but it's really fun to say the word casserole around her and watch her fake vomit at the sound of the word.

4. Tom Cruise
I hope his career goes down in flames. I've never been the hugest fan, but I am convinced that he is crazy, and he's using his fame and fortune for evil. I think we should start an organization called "Free Katie Holmes" even though I don't really care much about her as an actress. I still don't think she should be inflicted to the madness of Tom Cruise. I'm glad Nicole got out.

3. Public Bathrooms
Yuck.

2. High-water pants
As a tall girl, I am particularly sensitive to this problem. I really don't understand why clothing companies didn't figure out sooner how many women out there are above 5'2". A 31" inseam is just not going to cut it. All through junior high, my pants were too short. This is not because I was growing or unaware of the problem. It is because I just couldn't find pants long enough. I'm sure you can imagine the kind of insecurity this caused. Glory be that the internet was invented (thanks Al Gore) with their extra-long pant selection. However, I am still slightly baffled about why companies like Gap make extra-long jeans but not extra-long cords or trousers. If tall people don't want their jeans to be floods, why would we want our dress pants to be?

1. My couches
I have been told that they really aren't that bad. I don't believe it! When I sit on the plaid one, I can smell it. That spells negative attraction in my world.

So what are you negatively attracted to? All those of you who are reading (and I know you're out there) and not commenting, now is the time! I know there are many things you are negatively attracted to, so please share!

Reasons why I will probably NOT drop out of my Master's program

As previously mentioned, I tend to have a midlife crisis biannually where I decide that my current life plan is clearly falling short and begin the search for a new life plan. I think I've finally decided to stop kicking against the pricks and accept the fact that I'm a teacher. I always wanted to be a teacher. I like teaching. I'm going to start channeling the energy that could be put into figuring out a new life plan into excelling in my current one. A fairly obvious decision, but groundbreaking nonetheless.

I recently started a Matser's program in History at GMU, and I have to be honest that I am completely not enjoyingng my class. At some points, I have actually begun to question the validity of History as a field of study (which is an entire entry of its own,--reasons why I don't believe in hisotry-- and will have to wait for another day). Put this together with my propensity for thinking up new life plans, and the decision was clear: I should drop out of this program. What would I ever do with a Master's degree in History anyway? So here are my top ten reasons why I think I will not drop out after all.

10. Nobody likes a quitter.
It would be pretty lame of me to give up after one bad class. And it is the methods class, which is notorious for being worthless, so depsite the fact that I don't like it, I am very optimistic that it will get better in the future.

9. The grass is always greener
One of the reasons that I decided to the degree part time is because I had way too much free time last semester. I just needed to be busier. So now that I've got lots to do, all I can think of is how nice it would be to have more free time. Oh, the home decor projects that I could accomplish! (Way too much HGTV lately...) If I dropped out, I'd probably remember that life is better when you're busy.

8. Grades
I hate to admit it, but I have always been far too motivated by grades. It's like that A on your transcript is really saying, "Bethany, you are a wonderful person. Go ahead. Have good self-esteem." It's kind of addicting. Just when I was at the peak of wanting to drop out, I got my first assignment back--with glowing comments from my professor, and I remembered how much I like the kind of positive reinforcement that getting good grades offers. It happened again after my midterm.

7. Avoidance = Productivity
It is amazing how much I have accomplished since I started this class. And I'm not talking about my homework, which is sitting tauntingly next to me, unfinished. It turns out that I don't really like reading books that are assigned to me. So I justify my procrastination by convincing myself that other projects are more important, or at least equally productive. My room is cleaner. My dishes are done. My laundry is folded and put away in a timely fashion. I've been jogging and eating healthily. These tasks would clearly be put off if I didn't have something even more dreaded to avoid.

6. Couches
I still want to buy some couches. And if I have a Master's degree, I will be better capable of purchasing such things.

5. Learning
I actually really like History (despite the fact that I don't always believe in it). It's fascinating to learn about how people lived and to imagine the world that they would have known. And there are so many connections between History and other fields. I like it. Also, the only other field that remotely interests me is MFT, but I don't know if I'd really like that as my profession or not. And it turns out you can totally "counsel" your friends without a lincense, so why get a whole degree?

4. Taxes
I got a big tax break this year due to the fact that I paid tuition. Wahoo!

3. Title
When I have a Master's degree, then I can ask people to please call me Master Bethany. Or maybe Master Durham. I haven't decided yet.

2. Better chances of getting on Oprah.
It's really hard to be a guest expert on Oprah if you don't have some type of advanced degree, and while a PhD would probably be best, a Master's degree gets me one step closer...

1. Now is the time!
As my mother has pointed out to me over the past 4-5 years, there will never be another time in life when it is this easy to do an advanced degree. Someday when I'm married and busy with family and the like, I might just look back and kick myself if I waste the time I have right now to do cool things. So, I think I'll stick it out.

So I need some motivation...have you ever thought about quitting, but didn't? How were you blessed for efforts?

Reasons Why Justice Has Prevailed Once Again

Sometimes I drive a little bit too fast. I try to watch it, but I have a pretty sweet car, and it has happened that I haven't noticed how fast I was going before it was too late. Fortunately for me, there have only been three occasions on which a friendly officer of the law actually noticed me going too fast.

I was 20 years old when I got my first ticket. I was driving up Provo Canyon to a ward party with my roommates. I was not thinking about driving. I was thinking about Jeff. I had liked him for over a year, and his roommates had been preparing me all week to ask him that night if there was ever a chance for us to date. They assured me that I would get a positive answer, but getting that ticket was a bad omen. And then Jeff flirted with my roommate all night, so I didn't talk to him after all. I also didn't pay the ticket--not on purpose. It's sometimes a bad idea to have all your mail go to your parents' house but live somewhere else because then when the police department sends you your ticket, you don't get it. In fact, when they send you a letter telling you there is a warrant out for your arrest due to not paying that speeding ticket, you don't even find out until 3 months later. I didn't have to wait 3 months to find out what was up with Jeff, though. He called me the next day and told me that we should date. So I was also 20 years old when I got my first kiss.

After my next ticket, which happened to be four and a half years later (driving home for lunch between shifts at the MTC), the policeman told me that since I had a clean driving record, I could go to traffic school, and it would be erased from my record. So I went to traffic school. I remember thinking that there was nothing that they could say to me at traffic school that would have a long-term impact on my lead foot, but I was wrong. After an hour of stories about people like me who had been driving just a bit too fast and then hit a small child, maiming or paralyzing him for life, I have changed my ways. Being a danger to myself, I can handle. I'm the one that has to live with it. But the thought of potentially hitting some innocent kid who was just running out into the street to get his four-square ball, and damaging his life forever has permanently slowed me down. For the most part.

My third ticket I received about two months ago. The story is uneventful. I had no idea that the road I was driving on was a 30 mph zone. With two lanes both directions, who would guess that? I can't really blame the cop. I was definitely speeding, but it was a transgression rather than a sin because I didn't knowingly violate this very important traffic law. So today, I had my very first experience in court. I pled "guilty with an explanation." I explained to the judge that having recently moved here from Utah and was unaware of the speed limit. The judge pondered a moment, and then said, "I'll take your word for it," and he lowered my fine. That is what our legal system is all about, and I'm proud to be a part of it.

So, tell me about your traffic violations... Have you gotten off? Does crying really work? Don't be shy...

Reasons why I love Target

Sometimes it makes me happy just to be at Target. Like today, for example. It's spring break, so I have time to finally do some of the errands that I've been putting off. One of these errands was to return a Beattles "Magical Mystery Tour" t-shirt to Target (that was the French pronunciation). Never fear, I did find a sweet Aerosmith t-shirt to exchange for it with the year 1978 on the back. That was the year I was born, and sometimes I like to pretend like I'm a hard core butt-rocker even though the truth is that besides 3 or 4 songs on Monster Ballads 2, I am completely unfamiliar with all things butt-rock. I missed getting on that bandwagon in junior high, and I fear it has passed me by.

But I digress...Target is a wonderful place. I had a friend who once said that Target is the "Nordstrom" of all Shopkos--a deep statement with which I heartily concur. At target, you can basically find everything you could ever want (except today when I wanted an ironing board to hang on my door--they were out) at a fantastic price, but the environment seems to be just a cut above other stores like Walmart or K-mart. Just the fact that there isn't a "mart" in the name makes you feel like you're getting higher quality products. So here are my top ten reasons why I love Target:

10. The Frame Aisle
I hardly ever take pictures, and I blink in most of them anyway, so it's not like I really need a bunch of frames, but I like to puruse the merchandise and imagine what it would be like if I had all sorts of money to throw away on things like frames.

9. Christmas Decorations
This year I was able to decorate my entire apartment (which clearly needs to be spiced up--we are living in an institution with all these bare white walls) for about $20. That included lights for the inside banisters, garland for the dining room balcony, festive bows, and designer wrapping paper and bows.

8. Nail Polish
Target is my favorite place to buy nail polish, mostly because I never really think about buying nail polish except when I happen to walk past the cosmetics section of Target. I don't seem to get sucked in by cosmetics at the grocery store, but there's just something about Target...

7. Bath Rugs
They have every color you could possibly imagine (except the color I most recently needed to buy--a lovely cranberry red to match my shower curtain--bought at Target. Don't worry, Sears had just the thing). I like to see the various matching garbage can/toothbrush holder sets. It must be my nesting instinct.

6. Kitchen Appliances
I almost bought a KitchenAid chopper today. It was only $39.99. I attribute this to the fact that I've been watching too much FoodNetwork, and they all have food processors. I reminded myself that I'm going to need something left for people to buy me when I get married, and I refrained.

5. Furniture
Target has the best Pottery Barn imitations on the market. I have my eye on a bookshelf...

4. Socks
I like to buy my socks at Target because they are cheap.

3. Secret Lights
When decorating your apartment with "secret lights" (thank you AG 6 and P12) it's important to be able to change them with the seasons, and target carries a great selection. I recently purchased some cool red icy lights to decorate our dining room balcony with. Unfortunately, when plugged in they give off an eerie red death-glow. Had I thought about that before-hand, I probably would have gotten the clear ones.

2. Paper Products
I'm a huge fan of Target's wrapping paper. They also have nice stationary and journals. In fact, one of my favorite quotes comes from the front of a Target journal: "Believe in your heart that something wonderful is about to happen."

1. T-Shirts
I love Target T-Shirts. They fit nicely--not too short. They don't shrink like you think they might, and they are usually $7.00. My favorite one from last year is Care-Bears, and it says "C'mon get happy!"

Target really is a little slice of heaven on earth. What are your thoughts? Do prefer Walmart or Target? How do you feel about using the French pronunciation? What have been some of your best buys? Please share!!

Reason why Merry Christmas and a "Fortunate" New Year is ruined

I had the opporunity this weekend to volunteer at the National Cherry Blossom Festival Parade. I played a pivotal role--I ate doughnuts; I got a free t-shirt; I showed girl scouts where to stand with their banners; I told young military cadets where to stand with their flags. I did this all in the pouring rain. It's questionable whether the parade would have been able to function without me...

You may or may not be aware of the fact that Pat Sajak was this year's Grand Marshall. He was in town looking for contestants to join him on Wheel of Fortune, which happens to be "America's Game." So why not have him lead America's Parade? It turned out that the important tasks which I mentioned above were all being performed right next to the official Wheel of Fortune Tour Bus, and despite the fact that I'm not necessarily a "Wheel Watcher", I was still kind of excited by the thought of seeing Pat Sajak in person. My excitement only grew when he got out of the Bus and into the little convertible in which he was to lead the parade. I can't explain why, but all morning I kept thinking, "I can't possibly be this close to Pat Sajak and not get my picture with him." Try as I may, I couldn't banish this though from my mind. I finally gave in, knowing full well that it was completely nerdy and ridiculous, but I ducked down next to him (the window was closed due to the intense rainfall) and took a picture. I was thrilled! I actually had my picture with the real Pat Sajak, and my photographer assured me that Pat was making the perfect cheesy game-show host smile.

Later that morning (once all girl scouts were in place), I decided to check out my newly treasured celebrity pic, and was horrified with what I found. In my moment of glory, my one chance to forever capture my close proximity with a game-show demigogue, I blinked!! How hard is it to keep your eyes open for such an important snap shot? It is tragic to be so close to greatness, and, so to speak, drop the ball. Sadly it's not the first time such a thing has happened.

For some reason, as I've been writing this tragic story of an almost glorious moment, I was reminded of another time in my youth when I "dropped the ball." My mom had been assigned to bring Sister Sarah's Salad to a ward barbeque, and she had entrusted me with the making of it. The lettuce was carefully washed and gently ripped into bite-sized pieces. The swiss cheese was cut and added with care. Frozen peas, mushrooms, bacon, green onions--everything was ready and waiting for it's finishing touch: the salad dressing. I was tripling the recipe (we had a very large ward), and the recipe called for 1/3 cup of miracle whip salad dressing and 1/3 cup mayo. Now here's where I dropped the ball: Instead of adding the tripled amount of 1 cup, I added 3 cups of each. Looking back, it did seem a little odd, but I questioned the recipe rather than my computation skills. I was always a rather confident child. We had to add 3 heads of lettuce and put the whole thing in a strainer to make up for my little mistake.

But I digress...I'm still seriously disappointed by the fact that I blinked! It could have been such a sweet picture. I was thinking of making it this year's Christmas card (I'm also thinking of having a Christmas card this year). It could have said, "Have a Merry Christmas and a 'Fortunate' New Year." Nothing says Happy Holidays like me with Pat Sajak, and now it' has been completely ruined. Anyway, have any of you ever "dropped the ball?" What were the repercussions? (I hope nothing so serious as a ruined ward salad or potential holiday card). Please share some of your almost glorious moments. (If you don't have an account, you may leave comments as "anonymous".)

Reasons why I don't take out the trash

I would say that I live in a pretty clean apartment. We do the dishes. We clean up after ourselves. We vacuum on a regular basis. We invested in Costco sized Lysol wipes. What we have a little problem with is taking out the trash. It just keeps piling up...like we're playing garbage Jenga, and whoever knocks the leaning tower of trash over has to take it out. Or at least, they have to remove the liner and put a new one in. It's embarassing to admit, but we've sometimes had as many as three full bags by the time it gets taken out. So here are your top ten reasons why I don't do it.

10. You might as well multi-task. Why take out one bag when you can wait a few days and take out two?

9. I assume my roommates would probably rather do it. They need the blessings such service renders.

8. My roommates assume that I need the blessings. (A big mistake on their part. I'm clearly already blessed far beyond anything I'd get for taking out the trash.)

7. Baby steps. I can't be expected to do dishes and take out the trash. Small measurable goals is the order of the day.

6. When my hometeachers ask if there's anything they can do for us, I like to have something for them. It helps them feel needed.

5. Those bags hold a lot more than you think. You wouldn't want to jump the gun and take out a partially filled bag.

4. I'm just thinking about the environment. I hate the thought of polluting our landfills with more garbage. So I keep it in my house as long as possible. (This is a completely invalid argument. It makes no logical sense, but then again, I'm a girl. I can do that.)

3. Our apartment is rather bare. Sometimes it's hard to tell if anyone even lives here. Several bags of garbage gives it that homey "lived in" look.

2. Germs and stench. Garbage is full of both of them, and I'd rather not associate myself with such things.

1. It's a really long walk to the dumpster!

What are your dirty little secrets? Is there a task around your house that needs some work? Please share personal experiences.

Reasons why I can't decide what to be when I grow up.

People start asking you somewhere around age two what you want to be when you grow up. Why we ask two-year-olds, I'm not sure, but we do. The problem I seem to be having right now is that I am no longer two, and I still don't know the answer to this question. Actually, I think that the older I get, the harder it is for me to decide. In elementary, junior high and high school, if you'd asked me that question, I would have said, "A teacher." Which, as it turns out, is what I have become. So why do I keep trying to think of a new life plan? And if I really hate it so much, why do I eliminate every other new life plan that is presented to me as not quite as good as what I have now? Here are the top 10 reasons why teaching is and yet isn't an acceptable career.

10. Disease
I am convinced that there is no better breeding ground for germs than at school. Although I am still skeptical of any teacher who claims the ability to come up with a deterrent for colds just because they work in this germ-ridden environment.

9. NCLB
You may or may not be familiar with our government's idea of improving education, but it causes me to seriously reflect whether or not I can submit myself to such obvious poppycock for the next thirty years. Although, let's be honest, this legislation is not going to last 30 years. When Bush leaves the White House, we can hopefully all finally admit what a huge mistake this whole thing was and put it behind us. I say we leave a few of these little darlings behind.

8. 7 am
Most schools start around 7 am. That is early. That means that I will probably not get enough sleep for as long as I am a teacher. Of course, I think I need to just accept the fact that I'm not ever going to have enough sleep (it's hard to squeeze in 14 hours a day) no matter what my career is.

7. 2 pm
When I start thinking that 7 am is too early to start work, I remember that I get done at 2:05. No job could possibly beat that.

6. High blood pressure
Managing a classroom can be stressful--especially when the kids just won't listen. Sometimes it makes me want to...vehemently repremand...my students. When I was student teaching, I actually had a dream that I bit one of my student's on the hand because he wouldn't stop talking. I'm not recommending that we swat them on the butt with a paddle (although it might do some of them some good). I'm just saying that they do sometimes make me a little frazzled.

5. The Future of America
Despite my ever-rising blood pressure (please see above), I actually thoroughly enjoy my students. It's pretty fun to spend all day with teenagers. They are funny. For example, one day in class one of my students shouted out "raise your hand if you are now, or ever have been medicated for ADD?" (FYI--results in that class were astounding. I'd say 60% of them raised their hands.) It also makes you feel pretty good when they finally understand a concept or get a C when they've had an F all year. You know, it's the little things that I don't think I would find in an office job.

4. Side-Angle-Side
SAS is my favorite theorem that I teach my students. I really like proving triangles are congruent. I don't often admit this, but I like to figure out geometry proofs, and when I became a history major, I really missed solving equations. That is why I am the Captain of the Nerd Brigade.

5. NCLB
Due to the fact that there are no proofs on the test at the end of the year, we are not allowed to teach our Geometry students proofs. That just makes me mad.

4. Couches
What do couches have to do with what I want to be when I grow up? Well, I want to buy some. I would actually like to buy a lot of things...like maybe a house someday. The theme of my life is not going to be wealth if I am a teacher.

3. Winter Break
It's nice to know that I will get two weeks off every Christmas, I mean Winter.

2. Spring Break
I don't have school tomorrow. I don't have it the next day. In fact, I don't have to go back to work for 10 days!!!

1. Summer Vacation
Honestly, every time I start thinking about other careers, the school year ends, and I have two months off. I don't think I could ever commit to a job that expected me to work all year. I just like my free time way too much! Is it bad to choose a career based on the time off?


So now I want some comments. Have you ever questioned what you should be when you grow up? If you are completely satisfied with your current profession, how did you achieve that? Any suggestions for possible careers for me?